still thinking about identity and calling today, and about the constant battle between responding to my emotions in the moment instead of setting the boundaries that i know are necessary.
this whole break-up thing really is hard to do, as the cliche goes.
it tears me apart to let go of someone who has been such a vital part of my life for the past year and a half. it feels like my soul is being ripped out some days – mostly at night, when i’m trying to sleep and it’s just my animals and myself in the house. it’s easy to convince myself that it will all work out eventually, but i think i also know in that deep part of myself that i have to move on…move forward. listen to God, whatever that means. i very nearly had a complete breakdown several times in the past week, and i kept finding myself wanting to go back to the boy himself for comfort. aargh! i’ve struggled with how vulnerable to be on this blog, but everyone who tells me they’re reading it are people who i love and trust. (shout out to nat, ang, and gina!) so. that’s where i am right now. sometimes i feel like the strongest woman in the world, and then i remember that there is no future for the relationship that i invested my future in. then i feel guilty for feeling so torn up, because i know people who are dealing with much more traumatic things than a break-up — death, the end of an actual marriage, etc. i certainly don’t want to become self-absorbed. but i also know that i need strong people around me. so don’t let me get away with isolating myself, dear ones!
i need to work now.