a few days ago i wrote an amazing, insightful, articulate post. then it all somehow got lost in the vastness of cyberspace. argh! but here i am again, because i really do want to make a habit of writing. i have to admit that it’s a bit intimidating, though. many of my friends who are bloggers write about deeply spiritual issues related to God, the church, theology, etc. to be honest, i’m not really at that point right now. i used to be considered a “spiritual leader” by my high school, my college, my friends. throughout the past year, though, i think i’ve become that wayward friend that everyone else is praying for. i know that it isn’t the opinions and fears of others that matter – it’s the dialogue that God and i are carrying on that is essential. but what happens when the conclusions i come to aren’t the same as those of people whom i care about deeply? last year was a difficult one for me. i returned to cincinnati from bombay, moved into a new apartment, and foudn myself spiraling into a season of depression and quesitoning that i’ve never experienced before. as a result, i also found myself experimenting with things that i couldn’t discuss with a number of my former community/support system. it’s only recently that i’ve realized exactly how depressed i was. but this isn’t some grand testimonial of a changed path and redemption. actually, my whole life is chock-full of remdemption, but maybe not in the way that many “christians” would want or expect. maybe it’s because i haven’t gone through some big repentance of the things i’ve tried, or even regretted any of the decisions i made last year. i am definitely at a much stronger and clearer place now, but i really believe i had to experience much of what i did to arrive here.
so where does that leave me now? is there a place in the “church” for a prodigal daughter who isn’t sure yet if she really wants to come home? i do have to say that i’ve received little but love from many of my christian friends. but i’m also sure that i’ve disappointed some of them. where is that delicate balance between respecting the thoughts of others, and living openly by my convictions? anyway, those are just a few thoughts that have been floating through my head….