dreams of india…friday night, i dreamt that i was with greg and mala in india, and was deciding to spend my life there. but the dream got strange when we had to travel to a remote village (which looked oddly like the midwestern u.s.!) and complete some sort of escape-obstacle course to fight an evil political regime. bizarre. but then i went to our christmas worship service last night and unexpectedly in the middle of singing carols, all of the girls i worked with came into my mind and heart, and i couldn’t get away from their faces and names. all i wanted to do was go back and love them, and let them know that they are created and loved and worth so much in the eyes of jesus and myself.
i love community and the pockets of family i’ve been so blessed to witness. but i have often felt that i’m one of those people who is called to live outside of the pocket, returning to the fold for times of renewal, ultimately, i think i’m one of those people who is supposed to be sent out by my communities, as nice as it would be to just buy a house and be the sender and nurturer myself. so, that’s where my heart was last night. i don’t really know that i’m “called” to spend my life in india or some other country. i do know that last night all i wanted was to be there, but i also felt some fear – mostly fear of going alone, and of not being surrounded by such a strong community. i want to spend most of my christmases worshipping in the same st. elizabeth cathedral. anyway, last night i very clearly felt God asking me to let go of that fear, to just trust. i know it’s a simple lesson, but it was so real last night.
i know that marriage isn’t the end-all, be-all. it would just be nice, if i’m going to constantly be “sent out,” to have someone to share that journey with. india-and most of the world, for that matter- is a pretty lonely place.
don’t worry – i’m not becoming a desparate old maid or anything – that’s just where my vulnerabilities have been this weekend.